Saturday, August 30, 2008

Candyhol 5; aka Jelly Belly, Part 2

Hey folks, sorry for the long delay since the last time we posted here. Rest assured that the problem has not been a lack of new candyhol! Unfortunately, we're two whole posts behind, so I honestly can't remember too much about the Jelly Belly batch I'm supposed to write about. So I'll let the pictures mostly speak for themselves:

This week's contenders.

This week, it was Glenda Wallabee who volunteered to open her horizons to the weird and wacky world of Candyhol. You can totally see the terror in her eyes at the fate that awaits her.

I tried to distract her from the horror by forming an impromptu conga line. Apparently my plan worked like a charm.

Miss Saofoir makes a prediction about the peanut butter concoction.

Caramel Apple Jelly Bellies are brown on the outside and green on the inside, making for a rather disorienting visual experience.

Unfortunately, we made one tragic mistake with this batch - we didn't let them sit nearly long enough because of time constraints. The result was that the jellybeans didn't have nearly enough time to cover the vodka aftertaste, so the flavors came out somewhat less-than-optimal.

Round 1: Peanut Butter

And the reaction...?

Glenda finds a way to smile through the pain.

Round 2: French Vanilla

This one had a significantly smoother flavor and consistency. I just want to bottle a bunch of this shit and put it in my coffee forevermore.

Round 3/4: Creme Brulee, or possibly Caramel Apple? I can't tell which.

Round 5: Kiwi

Way too sticky-sweet for my liking, but might be well-balanced if cleverly blended into a mixed drink. Kiwi-tini, anyone?


At this point I'd like to announce MALCO, our sober chaperone for the evening, who stood by faithfully keeping watch to make sure the night didn't devolve into a candyhol-fueled tournament of death.

God bless ya, Malco.

*End Intermission*

That was the end of the festivities of the evening, but we made sure to save a portion of each creation for sampling the next day, when the flavor had hopefully had more of a time to set.

However, at this point Matt had the brilliant idea to use the Creme Brulee with the French Vanilla to make layered shots.

Ultra close-up!!

The. Best. EVER. These tasted like heaven in a fucking shot glass. I don't know if I'd trust myself to drink more than 3 or 4 of these because of the high sugar content and the fragile state of my internal equilibrium, but oh man. IF ONLY I COULD.

Crowley reported that the Peanut Butter had also improved greatly overnight.

Then Neighbor Burgmeier showed up to waggle his arse at us and drink our magic potions.

I really get the feeling we should start charging for this shit.

Is that Jasso? Where did he come from?

Just one drink recipe this time around, because everything else I could come up with only seemed to pale in comparison.

1/2 oz Creme Brulee Jelly Belly liqueur
1/2 oz French Vanilla Jelly Belly liqueur

Use inverted spoon to layer white over brown carefully. Repeat 8 times, serve to 8 of your closest friends. Receive massive kudos/props/virginities.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Candyhol 4; Jelly Belly Extravaganza!

Hello ladies and gentleman, hello one and all. Your friendly neighborhood Crowley here, ready to delight you with tales of our drunken search for the perfect candy-flavored booze.

It was bound to happen, of course. When testing the 'booze + tasty candy = wonderfulness' equation, one (or four and friends, as the case may be) must eventually turn to that giant, monolithic wonder of all weird, tasty candy.

That's right, Candyhol IV is, in reality, just Candyhol: Jelly Belly, Part 1.

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However, we must remember that the boozy/candy equation is not foolproof. It can lead us not into wonderfulnees, but into dire horrendousness, as we shall see. And yes, horrendousness is a word. It is now, at least.

The picture above illustrates our five experiments for the night (clockwise from the sorta-greenish one to the right); 7-Up, strawberry cheesecake, cotton candy, root beer, and buttered popcorn. The picture below illustrates our two willing victims...I mean, guest participants, Shillelagh and Maximo.

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(Names are changed to protect their anonymity. Faces are unblurred 'cause I'm a dick.)

And so we begin. The candyhol is mixed, and arranged in many different pleasing configurations...

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...none of which have the slightest thing to do with the flavor of the boozes, but dammit we took these pictures, so I'm gonna use 'em.

Then, we shake them, not unlike a trademarked instant photograph.

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(Saofoir is utterly flabbergasted at the sheer beauty of tonight's experiments. And the incipient liver damage we all face.)

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(One big happy, drunken, kinda special family.)

Having done this a few times now, we have come to understand what our creations will look like during their metamorphosis. This did not prepare us, however, for the alien insect egg-like appearance of the 7-Up;

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(Complete with soda-flavored amniotic fluid!)

Or the buttermilk-esque look of the buttered popcorn.

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(Shock! Gasp! Awe! Lactose-intolerance!)

Finally, the moment of truth arrived, and it was time for the first Jelly Belly tasting.

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Strawberry cheesecake was easily the crowd-pleaser of the night. Sweet, smooth, thick-but-not-too-thick...if there was a general winner, this would be it. Cotton candy was good, in many of the same ways the cheesecake was good (although much thinner), but it just couldn't hold a candle to the strawberry cheesecake. 7-Up was a bit of a surprising let-down, tasting of a somewhat mediciney, low-grade lemon/lime vodka (which, in all honesty, is pretty much what it was).

The real show of the night were the two odd men out; root beer and buttered popcorn. We were split about right down the middle on both; some of us detest root beer, some of us love it. All of us pretty much inhale buttered popcorn as a guilty pleasure, but in Jelly Belly form, a fair portion of us liken it unto the devil.

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(Back! Back, Typsie says, you foul, buttered beast!)

As members of the pro-root beer faction, Matt and I whole-heartedly enjoyed this flavor.

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(That's a big room of 'Wha...?')

It tasted just like decent quality root beer, with almost no alcohol burn. This meant, of course, that those who didn't like root beer to begin with didn't like it, but meh, you can't please everyone.

The buttered popcorn, however...

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...engendered some markedly different reactions.

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(Saofoir and I are in buttered, boozy heaven.)

(Matt, on the other hand, feels much, much differently.)

Don't believe what you hear, the buttered popcorn was a little slice of alcoholic nirvana.

Before I hand out the drink recipes, cheers from your friendly neighborhood Crowley once more. Good luck, and goodnight.

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Popstar Kamikaze

1 oz Triple Sec
1/2 oz Vodka
1/2 oz lime juice
1 oz 7-Up candyhol
1 oz Cotton Candy candyhol
1 lime wedge

Strawberry Birthday Cake

(in a tumbler)

2 oz Strawberry Cheesecake candyhol
2 oz cream or soymilk
1 oz Tuaca

Grandpa's Sasparilla

1 oz Root Beer candyhol
1 oz rotgut Whiskey or Bourbon

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Round 3?

Welcome back to BadSpirits. Happy 4th of July, everyone! We have been busy little alcoholics and have taste-tested with our own gullets a bevy of new candy boozes. In this installment of liver cringing excitement, we have procured four unique and, in one case, highly "dangerous" candies to experiment with.

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The unusual suspects.

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This time around we were augmented by Secret Ninja Assistant code-named "Pussy Power Magee". See how she unwraps the candy? That is the unwrapping of a master.

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Experiment #1 - Jones Soda Carbonated FuFu Berry Candies.

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Experiment #2 - IceBreakers Lemon Pomegranate Restore Mints.

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Experiment #3 - LifeSavers CreamSavers Orange Cream.......savers.....cream.....savers...shit.

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Experiment #4 - HOT TAMALES, BITCHES!

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A few moments in and just look at the pale pink!

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The FuFu Berry is starting to look dangerous.

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The booze is speaking to Crowley.......

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-------- INTERMISSION!!!! --------

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The power of Typsie "Red Fingers" O'Malley commands you to driiiiiiiink.

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So the Irish Goddess does......BEER BONG PRO.

-------- INTERMISSION OVER!!!! --------

With intermission fading into memory, we set forth to open our bodies to the experimental booze. This turned out to be a bit difficult, as you shall see.

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When Matt opened the FuFu Berry, he was rewarded with a spray of sticky red vodka.

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Holy crap, that does not look good. Well, it does, but not good for you!

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Some parts of Hot Tamales apparently can withstand even nuclear energy. You see them here.

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Crowley tastes one of the tiny pale slugs.

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Well, my fellow alcohol junkies, we started to get smashed at this point and thus we have no more pictures of the experience. Allow me however to give you a rundown.

Experiment #1 - Jones Soda Carbonated FuFu Berry Candies
- Sweet. Very Sweet. The carbonation actually came through. Could be used in place of Rit Dye.

Experiment #2 - IceBreakers Lemon Pomegranate Restore Mints
- Very much like a mixed drink without the fillers. Candy came through. Presumably healthy.

Experiment #3 - LifeSavers Creamsavers Orange Cream
- Quite simply, like drinking an orange-sicle. No doubt about it.

Experiment #4 - Hot Tamales.
- A sticky red gold-free Goldschlager. Ghettoschlager, if you will.

And, of course, we came up with a few drinks that might be possibly benefit from our unholy experiments.

Red Hot Toddy

* 1 tbsp honey
* 3/4 glass tea
* 2 oz Hot Tamale liqueur
* 1 slice lemon

Brew tea and fill a tall glass 3/4 full. Mix in honey. Mix in brandy shots. Add lemon slice and enjoy.

Orange Cream-a Colada

* 2 oz light rum
* 2 oz Orange Creme Savers liqueur
* 3 tbsp coconut cream
* 3 tbsp crushed pineapples

Put all ingredients into an electric blender with 2 cups of crushed ice. Blend at a high speed for a short length of time. Strain into a collins glass and serve with a straw.

What will we make next?? Who knows!